


let me know (before you let me go)

by getlenatotherapy



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canon Universe, F/F, Fluffy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Kara is oblivious, Lena Luthor Doesn't Know Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Minor Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers, Minor Violence, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Suicide Attempt, get lena to therapy 2019, lena is suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2019-11-04 13:47:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17899238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getlenatotherapy/pseuds/getlenatotherapy
Summary: "Kara tried to keep hopeful that there was a chance Lena was telling the truth, that she was doing better than she initially thought, but the empty bottles hidden around her apartment were a huge contradiction."ORAfter Kara and Lena's relationship takes a massive toll, Kara realizes that she hasn't been the only one keeping dark secrets from her best friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! my tumblr is lenakeiranluthr, go talk to me there! if you liked this maybe leave a comment?

It was that time of the week again. Kara’s lunch date with Lena. Granted, it had practically become that time of the day since their relationship had strengthened, and Kara and Lena have gotten closer, and they’ve been spending a lot more time with each other. It was almost daily that Kara would meet Lena in her office while she was surrounded with stacks of paper and files, refusing to lift her head from the desk. That is, until whenever the smell of takeout drifted through the air and woke Lena out of her trance. 

Usually, she sticks to carbs for their lunch dates. Potstickers, Pizza, or Big Belly Burger-which Kara had only recently found out Lena adores- while Lena stuck to her “healthy food.” Kara had never understood why she would want to put something into her body that was green and was intended for rabbits to eat. The whole concept was beyond her. This time, Kara thought she might humour Lena. She took a large leap to push herself out of her comfort zone because she knew it would distract the other woman. She had a feeling that Lena wasn’t feeling the best recently. She seemed distant on the phone over the last number of days and cancelled plans twice in a row. Kara hadn’t seen her for almost a week, and she wanted to cheer her up. So that’s why, for a change, Kara pushed down her cravings for fatty foods and orders two salads, but hers with less lettuce and more tomatoes and cheese. She could work around her No Greens rule. She knew Lena would find it funny and would at the very least take time out of her day to question her sudden change in diet. The idea was so ludicrous for her that she almost felt like laughing, but she knew Lena would get a laugh out of it. 

She walked into the L-Corp building with takeout bags in hand and heard the usual chatter around her, mostly from the line of angry men queued up at her reception demanding to speak to the CEO. Kara walked right passed them and gave a slight nod to Lena’s secretary, Jess as she walked into the elevator. She felt sorry for Jess. It was unfair that she had to put up with entitled white men thinking they can tell her how to do her job better. Lena knows this and pays her very well, but Kara can’t help thinking that she deserves a raise.

Her meetings with Lena had increased so much that she didn’t even need to tell Jess that she was visiting her. Lena requested that no one should bat an eye when Kara came in to visit. She pretty much had 24-hour access. Except for the past week. Lena had asked Kara to leave her in peace to get some work done for a couple of days. Although Kara tried not to be offended by this -she knew that Lena was a busy woman and needed time to work- she just wished that Lena would take a break from working so hard every once in a while. It couldn’t be normal for a woman of her age to be burying herself in so much work on a daily basis, while also fighting off her families legacy that her mother had left her with. It wasn’t fair. 

Kara walked into Lena’s office and was met with the common sight of Lena with her head resting in her hands and crumpled up pieces of paper lying in front of her.

“What did that paper do to you?” Kara joked, smiling at Lena when she looked up at her. There was a look on her face that told Kara not to ask questions. Lena let out a heavy sigh and lifted her head. 

“I’ve had three investors threaten to pull out today already,” Lena said. “Over the usual reasons. Lex. Mother. Luthor legacy. Changing opinions. The same shit.” Kara felt herself blushing before she had the chance to push it down, and Lena noticed. She gave her a shy smirk before looking down at the papers in front of her.

“Come now darling, surely you’ve heard me swear before?” Lena teased. She grabbed one of the papers, uncrumpled it, and tried to smooth it out with her fingers. Although Lena was right, that Kara had heard Lena swearing before, it was a rare enough occurrence that whenever she let a curse slip Kara knew it had been a tough day. Hearing Lena’s mouth wrap around such words made her burn with something a little more than friendship, and a little less than respectful. It was sinful the thoughts that infiltrated Kara’s head after hearing her swear. 

“Of course. I- it's just- rare.” She stuttered. Kara couldn’t help but notice her long fingers and how they smoothed over the creases in the paper, how still her hands seemed to move, how they might feel tracing a line from her neck down to her-

“Kara?” Lena whispered, pulling her from her thoughts. Lena wasn’t looking Kara in the eye and was instead looking at something lower. Kara followed her line of sight and noticed that her own hand was gripping the edge of the desk so hard that her knuckles had turned white. Kara let go quickly before she caused any damage that would be hard to explain to her friend without outing her identity.  
Desperate to try and diffuse the awkward situation, Kara held up the bags of food in her hands and showed them to Lena as a peace offering. Lena had a habit of forgetting to eat when she was so wrapped up in work, especially on days like this that were clearly testing her patience.

“Now Kara, as much as I appreciate you buying me lunch, I don’t want to feel like a burden on you.” Lena said, without her usual teasing banter. Kara tilted her head to the side and handed the bag over to Lena. She crossed the room to grab a chair and dragged it over in front of Lena’s desk. 

“You know I don’t mind. How many times do I need to remind you? What are friends for, am I right?” Kara said. As soon as she said it, she felt a part of herself tear in two. Usually, it was Lena who said this and caused Kara all sorts of emotions, but this was the first time Kara had said it. “I mean, I missed you.” Kara said quietly. 

“I’ve missed you too. This past week has been hectic. I’ve barely left the office.” 

“Exactly, that’s why I brought you food.” Kara said while sitting down and handing Lena her bag. She watched as Lena tore hers open and stared at her food ravenously. Kara opened her own bag and took out her salad that she certainly was not looking forward to eating. Lena was halfway through lifting her fork to her mouth when she stopped dead, letting a piece of salad drop onto her desk. She was staring at Kara like she couldn’t believe her eyes. Kara gave her a tiny smile and was happy with the outcome of her little scheme. She knew it would have that effect on Lena. 

“Is that… a salad. In Kara Danvers’ hand.” Lena said in disbelief. Her face was contorted somewhere between shook and admiration. Kara nodded and put a mouthful of the food into her mouth. She tried her best not to wince. She wasn’t used to eating vegetables. In her defence, her daily… exercises called for a calorie dense diet and fruit and vegetables didn’t cut it. She couldn’t tell Lena this, however, because she still wasn’t aware that Kara was Supergirl. It’s not that she didn’t want to tell her. It was killing her not letting her in on the secret. But after everything that happened with Alex two years ago, she vowed never to put Lena in a position where she had to go through that. Lena suffered through enough assassination attempts on her own, without Kara adding to them.

As much as keeping her in the dark was saving Lena, it was ultimately tearing down their relationship. Kara couldn’t tell her many things, like why she suddenly had to disappear sometimes, or why she really refused to eat healthily. And on top of that, Lena and Supergirl’s relationship has been strained lately, to say the least. Kara had to sit there and listen to Lena complain about how Supergirl betrayed her trust when all she wanted to do was hold Lena close and apologise. 

“Yeah. I decided to get the same as you for once. To see what the hype was about.” Kara said before giggling. 

“I guess we’re both going through a bit of a personality change then.” Lena muttered. It was low enough that Kara probably wouldn’t have heard her without her boosted hearing, and if she guessed correctly, she wasn’t supposed to hear it. Lena was looking down at her food again with a solemn look on her face. She didn’t look back up to see what Kara thought of her little comment. She clearly had no intentions of Kara hearing it. 

“What do you mean?” Kara said lightly. She didn’t want to press the woman too hard but was curious about what she meant by it. Lena looked back up at her with a flash of panic on her face. It was gone a second later, almost as if she pushed whatever she was thinking down. Kara thought this was strange of Lena, as she never kept what she was thinking from Kara. She was always very honest with her and told her what was bothering her. Always. 

“You… I didn’t intend on you hearing that.” Lena said and offered nothing else to ease Kara’s worried mind.

“Is everything alright Lena?” Kara asked. Lena sighed and put down her fork. 

“I’m quite alright. I’m just having a tough week. You don’t need to worry about it, darling.” She said. The pet name made Kara blush hard, but she had bigger issues to deal with. There was a strain on her voice like she was trying not to shout, cry, or both. Kara picked up on it. 

“It’s just, you’ve refused to see me for almost two weeks. You wouldn’t give me a reason why, you’re clearly overworked here, and there are bags under your eyes like you haven’t slept in days- “ 

“Kara, for god’s sake I said I’m fine.” Lena snapped, cutting across Kara. Her voice was sharp and stern, a voice she had never used with Kara before. It made her heart break, but she knew she shouldn’t push her any more than she already had. 

“Okay. I’m sorry.” she said. She knew she hadn’t done anything wrong, she was only checking up on her but the tone in Lena’s voice made her feel guilty, almost like she should feel ashamed. They sat in silence for the next ten minutes while they ate their food. Lena made no more jokes about Kara’s salad and instead stared at the ground while she ate. The silence in the room was deafening. Kara glanced around the room desperately to try and not look awkward, but Lena seemed too far gone into her thoughts to notice. When they were finished eating, Kara coughed loudly, and Lena’s head snapped up to look at her. 

“I’m gonna head home. Don’t work too hard.” she said quietly, before standing up.

“Kara, listen, I shouldn’t have snapped, you don’t have to go- “ 

“It’s fine Lena. I’m gonna go.” Kara mumbled in response before whipping around and almost stumbling across the room to get out as fast as she could. Kara rushed out of the building as fast as should so she could go home and cool off. Jess met her with a confused look in the lobby, possibly wondering why on Earth Kara was leaving so early. She just smiled sadly at her as she walked out of the front door. There was something wrong with Lena, and Kara was going to figure it out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, leave a comment if you liked this please, and follow me on Tumblr if you want, its lenakeiranluthr.

Kara headed back to her apartment quicker than she would have liked. Most days with Lena lasted longer and Kara might not have been back at home before it was dark. It was bright outside, and with the whole day ahead of her, she was lost on what to do. She hid in the nearest alleyway and changed into her suit before flying up into the sky. She had a day off from the DEO, and the city was quiet from danger. She flew through the city one last time looking for anyone who needed her help, but everything was normal. No bank robberies. No rouge aliens attacking innocent civilians. No Lena Luthor beside her, laughing at her jokes. 

Kara sighed, high above the buildings of National City, looking down at the city below her. The cold air surrounded her body and calmed her down slightly. If there was anything that helped Kara relax more it was the view of the city below her and the cool breeze blowing on her skin. She stayed there for a while, just soaking up the peace that she achieved from flying before heading back down to building level. On instincts, just to check, Kara flew past Lena’s office at L-Corp to see if she was okay. Kara hovered outside the window to get a better look. 

“Lena…” Kara whispered once she seen the other woman inside. Lena had her arms wrapped around her head, resting on the desk. The pile of files that were scattered in front of her were still there and it looked like she had made no attempt to clear them, or even work through the stacks of work she had to get done.

Sighing, Kara turned away and flew back to her apartment desperately looking for trouble on her way. She knew it wasn’t right that she was hoping for somebody to be in trouble, but it would give her something to do other than going back to her empty apartment for the rest of the evening. She had an article that she needed to do, but she wanted to avoid it for as long as possible, especially after the awkward turn of events that her evening had taken. 

She had been asked to write an article on L-Corp, but more specifically Lena, and how she was dealing with changing the city’s opinion of the Luthor name. Kara was going to mention it to Lena during their lunch, but she never got the chance to bring it up. She flew into the alley beside her apartment and changed back into her normal clothes before walking inside and up to her door. 

After thinking about it, Kara decided to write the article anyway. If there was one thing that would cheer Lena up it would be a nicely written article praising the woman about all the good she’s invested into the city since she’s moved here. It’s not the first time Kara has had to write about Lena for the magazine, and every single time it has snapped Lena out of her mood. At the very least it would show Lena that she meant no harm, and she could still let her in on whatever was going on in her life. 

Yes, that’s what she would do. She flung her bag down by her door and pulled out her laptop and started writing. She was going to write the most glowing article she ever has and prove to Lena that she has nothing to worry about. She can help her. She can show her that she’s not alone, she has people who support her. If there’s anything that Lena loves more it’s praise. 

Kara let that little thought process in her brain for a few seconds before she thought of other ways Lena might enjoy praise. A wave of heat swept over her body and she buried her face in her hands. Get your mind out of the gutter Danvers, she thought.

“You have a mission” she whispered to herself. 

Kara started typing away while trying to push her thoughts down. As much as she tried not to think about it and give Lena space, it was troubling her that her friend was clearly going through something and refused to talk about it. Kara worried for Lena’s own sanity as well. It’s not like she had many friends to confide in, and if she wasn’t talking to Kara there was a large possibility that she was bottling it all up inside without letting anyone else in either.  
Kara let her words flow from her fingers onto the screen, desperately trying to write something that would make Lena smile, make her realise that nobody is against her. Eventually, she forgot her worries and settled down for the evening, letting her writing soothe her mind. She only lifted her head when she noticed it had become dark outside. She put the finishing touches on her work and smiled to herself. It was an article even Snapper would have been proud of, maybe even Cat Grant herself. It was honest and if anything was going to change people’s minds about Lena it would be this article. Emailing it in, she let out a loud yawn, and off she headed to bed waiting for the next day to see Lena’s smile again.

\--

The next morning she woke up to the sound of birds and sunlight spilling in her window onto her bare back. Automatically her mind was on her best friend, wondering what it would be like to wake up next to her like this. If quiet mornings were peaceful enough, what would it be like with Lena beside her, holding her close? Kara only dreamed of such things ever happening, but unfortunately, she knew that it would never become a reality. She would never wake up to Lena’s beautiful face lying beside her in her bed. She could never have her as more than a friend, she knew this. It’s why she fights so hard to keep her in her life in whatever way she could. Although not having Lena the way she wanted her was hurting Kara in ways she could never have imagined, being friends with her made up for it. She wanted Lena in her life in any way, be that friendship or relationship. She was okay with how it was. 

She pulled herself out of bed and made herself breakfast. Cereal bowl in hand, she walked over to where her phone was charging all night and switched it on. Her bowl almost fell to the ground with the force of the yelp she let out when she saw her notifications. She had 4 missed calls and six messages from Lena, that were notably less than coherent. Kara thought this was strange and couldn’t understand why Lena’s messages had so many typos in them. The woman was a literal genius and had many big qualifications and spelling had never been a struggle with her. Kara got an even bigger shock when she noticed the times beside all the messages. They started around 11PM and spread out until 2AM.   
Kara dialled up her number and waited for her friend to answer. As usual, she answered almost straight away, despite their argument the day before. 

“Kara?” Lena croaked from the other end of the line. Kara frowned. Lena sounded like she was only awake, and she hoped she didn’t wake the other woman up.

“Lena?” Kara whispered back. She had a feeling something was very wrong but was also wary about asking too much because of fear.

“Kara. Darling. You called?” Lena said. Kara stuttered down the phone line, unsure of what to say. 

“You called me last night. And texted. A lot.” 

There was silence from Lena’s end of the phone. Eventually, she let out a little cough and a notable sigh.

“Yeah. Sorry about that. I wanted to apologise for yesterday. It wasn’t right of me to snap at you. You did nothing wrong and I lashed out when I shouldn’t have.” she said. Kara could get hints of tiredness in her voice.

“I- that’s okay Lena, I understand. But why did you have to tell me at three in the morning?” 

Silence again. A pregnant pause from Lena, and it didn’t seem like she was going to attempt at an answer.

“Do you… want to see me today?” Kara attempted. She didn’t want to seem needy, as if she wanted to see the woman every single day but if she’s honest with herself she had a long two weeks without her friend, and she wanted her back. Kara didn’t want to annoy her.

“Yeah. I would. Meet me at my apartment if you want? I’ll call for brunch.” Lena said, before hanging up the phone.

“Okay then.” Kara said to her empty apartment. She was confused and didn’t know where to start with unjumbling everything. If she had to make a guess, it sounded like Lena was hungover and if those texts were anything to add to it, she was certainly drinking last night. At least that’s what Alex acted like after she had a long night. Mostly ranting in her messages about how she wasn’t a good enough sister and she was sorry for it, how she messes up everything in her life, Maggie being a prime example. Kara got those messages at least once a week and always rushed over to take care of her sister in the mornings.

But heavy drinking didn’t seem like Lena’s style. She was a businesswoman and constantly complaining about not being on top of things even when she was sober. It just didn’t seem like something Lena would do. She was a woman of calculated moves, not a drunk dialler. Nonetheless, Kara was worried about her friend and headed out to meet her. 

When Kara reached Lena’s apartment, she stood outside the door, unsure if she should knock or not. She never usually had to; Lena told her that she could just walk in whenever she was coming to see her, but Kara didn’t want to intrude when it sounded like Lena had a rough night. She knocked three times anyway just for good measure and pulled at a hangnail while she waited for Lena to come to the door. 

Lena flung the door open and the smile on her face was enough to make Kara’s worries go away. She pulled her into a hug and got a strong smell of her perfume. Kara felt her body heat up from being so close to Lena, being close enough to lick a line up her neck if she wanted-  
So she’ll admit, she had quite an obsession with the other woman’s neck.

She pulled away quickly before she got any more detailed thoughts about what she wanted to do to Lena. 

“Since when do you knock before you come into a room, Miss Danvers?” Lena teased. Her voice was light, unlike what she had sounded like on the phone and Kera assumed she must be reading too much into things. Kara shrugged her shoulders and put her bag down by the door. 

“Yeah well, it's early.” Kara mumbled. 

“Don’t be ridiculous Kara. I told you, please don’t feel the need to be formal with me, come in when you please.” Lena grinned. “I ordered you a salad for brunch seen as you’ve taken to them. It’s on the way.” 

Kara felt her face fall. Oh god. With her little stunt to poke fun at Lena, it had backfired. Lena must think that she enjoyed putting healthy food into her body. Certainly not. Lena looked at Kara seriously before erupting into laughter.

“Oh come now, I know you better than that. I know whatever you were doing yesterday wasn’t because you had a sudden change of heart about your diet. You should have seen the look on your face.” Lena laughed.

Kara chuckled uncertainly. She wasn’t sure if Lena was joking or not. 

“I got your usual.” 

Kara flopped down onto Lena’s couch and let out a breath. Thank God. She was also glad that Lena seemed like her normal self again. She must have just had a bad day yesterday and it kept her up at night. They settled down together in front of the TV and waited for their food. 

When it came, Lena paid for the food and sat back down beside Kara. Almost like a repeat of the day before, they sat and ate together without the awkwardness from before, but instead with their usual chatty banter. 

Lena was back to normal again, Kara thought as she smiled to herself. 

Just wait until she reads the article.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we're really getting into the angst now.  
> I WANTED TO TEAR OUT MY HEART WRITING THIS, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M GOING TO WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTERS GUYS.  
> hey also add me on Tumblr if you like, its lenakeiranluthr.  
> leave a comment if you wouldn't mind, it really keeps me motivated to finish my work, so if you wanna read one let me know <3

“It’s just common-sense Alex, High School Musical 1 is better than the sequel.” Kara insisted before she was hit in the face with a pillow. It was the morning after sister’s night and yet again the two women were arguing over whether remakes of films were better than the originals. After watching High School Musical for what must have been the fifth time, no thanks to Kara, they were bickering over the reason why Alex fell asleep before they even hit the middle of the film.

“If the first film was good enough to get a sequel, then the second is going to be better. No one is going to make it worse than the original. It's not how it goes.” Alex whined, “and besides, I fell asleep because it was like the hundredth time I’ve seen it.”

“Don’t exaggerate Alex. Drink your coffee quick or you’ll be late for work.” Kara said. Once again Alex smacked Kara on the side of the head with a cushion. 

“Oh, stop it, Eliza, before I come over there and-“

“Don’t try and threaten me, I know you’re not one to follow through with threats.” Kara said. “you turn to mush around Sam, I know you’re soft.” Kara said. Alex choked on her coffee.

“How are things with Sam doing anyway?” Kara asked. She hadn’t gotten much of a chance to hear about their newly formed relationship lately, because most of Alex’s free time was spent with Sam. Kara didn’t mind, she was glad to see her eventually get back into dating and forgive herself for “messing up” with Maggie. It had been a long time since she had seen her really smile, other than a fake one to make people stop pestering her. Alex was genuinely happy with Sam, and Kara didn’t mind that she was missing out on her time with Alex, it was a fair enough trade. 

“Things are good. Really good. Like super good, Kara, like God, I would say I love her, but we promised we’d take things slow, I mean, it’s soon for both of us, and I probably shouldn’t feel so much for her so soon, but God am I falling for her.”

After everything that had happened with Reign and all the new changes in both women’s lives, they had promised each other not to rush into anything serious too fast. Kara couldn’t comprehend why they wanted to be slow in their relationship. If she had come so close to losing herself, she knew that she wouldn’t waste any more time to be happy. But it wasn’t just Sam that was dealing with everything after, Ruby was still adjusting after what had happened. Both were in therapy after everything that went down and it natural that they’re both hesitant to let someone else into their lives when it had just been the two of them for so long. 

“No one is telling you what you can and can’t feel for your girlfriend.” Kara said, trying to reassure her sister.

“I forgot what it was like to feel loved like that.” Alex said. Her eyes welled up with tears and Kara felt her heart almost break. She pulled her into a tight hug and rested her chin on Alex’s head, stroking her back.

“I love you, dummy.” she whispered.

“Yeah, but Sam can show me she loves me in a different way- “ 

“Enough! I’ve walked in on you both too many times, you don’t need to replay it in words.” Kara groaned. There were many, many times Alex forgot to lock her front door, or at the very least tell Kara that she was going to be… occupied for the evening. Unfortunate for Kara, she had to walk in during it all. Kara had lost count of the number of times she’s wanted to burn her eyes out since Sam and her sister started seeing each other. 

“How are things going with your… love life?” Alex said softly like she was preparing for Kara to shut down the topic. 

Kara didn’t answer for a few seconds because she didn’t entirely know what to say. There were a lot of things she needed to talk about when it came to Lena, but there was no point in dragging all those feelings up to her sister when she knew it would make herself feel worse than she already did. In the end, she just decided to lie.

“Non-existent.” she grumbled, as she pulled away from their hug. Alex gave her a sly look and rolled her eyes.

“Don’t pretend you don’t have eyes for Lena Luthor.” So the cat was out of the bag. Kara sighed heavily. 

“It’s- that’s not going anywhere.” she stuttered. It was true. As much as she tried to fool herself that something might come from their two years of friendship, the logical part of her brain shut the thought down and told her not to think stupid things. She would only get herself hurt. 

“How do you know?” Alex asked. “She seems pretty into you from my point of view." Kara was bewildered at where Alex was pulling this from. She was friends with Lena, best friends, and if anyone knew what was going on with her, it would be Kara. But then again, she had been questioning a lot of things about her lately. 

“Lena’s straight. And besides, she’s with James anyway.” she said. Her voice was almost a whisper. Kara only noticed she had started to cry when Alex but a hand to her chin and tilted her head up to meet her eyes. 

“I see the way she looks at you. The same eyes you give her when you think nobody is looking.” Alex said, reassuring her. She really wished Alex would just stop giving her false hope. Maybe on a better day she’d like to hear all of this, but she wasn’t in the mood for hearing things she knew were lies. 

“Lena has never shown interest in a woman, I just need to move on from her. As much as it hurts, I know I’d just be setting myself up to be shot down with her.”

Kara and Lena had settled into their usual routine after their brunch in Lena’s apartment. It was as if they never got into an argument in the first place. If anything they had seemed to get closer than before their little issue. It had resolved so quickly that Kara wasn’t even sure if they had a fight. She was certain she took things way too personally, and the incident probably didn’t even mean anything to Lena. Granted, she knew it was barely an argument. Lena had only raised her voice and Kara stormed out in a huff, but they’ve never really fought about anything bigger before and it was a sudden change to their relationship. Kara was glad that the whole things had blown over as quick as it started. Lena never brought it up after she apologised, and everything was forgotten.

Kara decided to keep the article a surprise from Lena. There was no point telling her about it once it was already sent in. She could read it when it was published. She waited in agony for days, waiting until she could show Lena, and now it was finally publishing date. Kara pulled out her phone to look at Twitter and see if anyone was saying anything about her article. For a long, long moment Kara’s world seemed to freeze before her brain registered what she was seeing on her Twitter feed.

“Oh God.” 

She scrolled through dozens of Tweets before it sunk in. Tweet after angry tweet sending in hate over her article. About how Kara was evidently biased towards her best friend, how Lena was employing people close to her into her business to promote her ‘sick agenda’. How she manipulates her employees to write fake articles to distract the city from all the damage she’s doing to society. Many were about how she’s as bad as her family; not owning up to their mistakes as a Luthor and following in their footsteps. 

And a lot of graphic one that Kara wouldn’t wish on anyone. 

Kara felt blinding hot rage bubble up in her stomach upon seeing the worse of the bunch. Death threats were coming in by the dozen aimed at her friend. Kara didn’t know what to say. How could one article stir up so much hate? People must be really twisted if they could pull out such sinister things from such a positive article. But then again, that’s what they were complaining about, wasn’t it? Not Kara’s bias, but that they think it was Lena who put her up to it. No one was criticizing Kara over any of this, in fact, people seemed to feel sorry for her. People were Tweeting her saying how sorry for her they were because she was stuck under Lena’s thumb, not able to live in peace without Lena’s constant need for validation.

How wrong they were. 

And then it hit Kara all at once, hit her with more power than a solar flare.

Has Lena seen all this?

“God Alex, I have to go.” Kara said, rushing to her feet. 

“Is everything all right?” Alex asked, sounding worried. She stood up too and touched Kara’s elbow in comfort. 

“It’s Lena.”

“Is she okay?”

“The article, crap, people aren’t happy with it and my Twitter is blowing up.” Kara said. “So is Lena’s.” She couldn’t believe it, she didn’t know where to start with all the things she wanted to say. She didn’t know if she was angrier at herself, or the people leaving the comments.

“So why are you worrying about Lena, and not yourself?” Alex asked. She sounded confused, but almost like she was judging Kara a tiny bit. 

“Lena is going to see it. Jesus Christ, this was supposed to make her feel better about herself, not worse.” she said, “I have to go to her Alex.”

“That’s okay, go.” Alex smiled in reassurance.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I can come by later, I promise-” she started before Alex cut her off.

“Kara. It’s alright. Go.” Alex said as she grabbed her things as well. Kara gave her a desperate look before she stormed out of the door and headed off to find Lena. In the alley behind her block of apartments, she changed into her suit. She knew she was only going to Lena’s apartment, but just in case anyone saw her in her normal clothes. She flew as fast as she could over to Lena’s apartment and changed back into Kara Danvers’s clothes. 

She stormed in and practically jumped the stairs three at a time to get top to the penthouse as fast as she could. When she reached the top floor, she walked in without knocking, as Lena had requested.

“Lena?” she called out as she rushed in.

“Kara. There’s my favourite reporter.” Kara heard Lena from the other end of the apartment and walked through. She found her in her living room, a glass of scotch in hand. 

“Did you see-“ Kara started, before she saw an open copy of CatCo magazine on the coffee table in front of her. Kara took a deep breathe in. She was hoping that she would get there and explain before Lena had the chance to read it. That idea was out the window. Kara looked at the utterly broken look on her best friends face and she felt her heart go the same way.

“I’m so sorry Lena, I don’t know what went wrong, you know what the people are like, they twist and shape every little thing to fit their own evil narrative-”

“Don’t waste your breath Kara.” Lena interrupted. She lifted her glass to her mouth and knocked back what was left in it, effortlessly. Kara remembered back to the week before when she had a thought that Lena wasn’t one for hard liquor, but she started to think that she might have been wrong. Lena looked like she had done this before. A lot. She reached for the bottle in front of her and poured out more into her glass. Kara wasn’t an alcohol expert, human drinks didn’t affect her, but she was sure Lena was pouring at least twice as much into her glass than was supposed to go in a glass of scotch. 

“What do you mean?” Kara asked. She had a sick feeling in her stomach that she couldn’t explain. She didn’t know what to do. On one hand, she wanted to take the bottle off Lena and tell her to have a bit of sense, but she didn’t want to be that friend. She knew from her experiences with Alex that demanding her to stop drinking and talk to her didn’t go well, no matter how good her intentions were. 

“I thought you knew me better. I thought I knew you better.” 

Lena was slurring her words. It was strange for Kara to hear Lena speak like this. Kara has had a drink with Lena before, but red wine was more her style. She had rarely seen her friend drunk, and this was on a whole other level. 

“What do you mean, Lena?” she said again. 

“Oh Kara, stop repeating yourself. You know what I mean. You know how hard I work to keep my name out of the media and there you go and make an explosion out of things. Just when the death threats started to cool down, you go and rile everyone back up again with your ‘bias’” she snapped. It took more effort than it should have to get the whole thing out. She stuttered over every third word and everything was drawn out. 

“I didn’t mean it to turn out like this.” 

“You could have at least told me you were writing it.” 

“It was meant to be a surprise. To cheer you up.”

“And what gives you the impression I need cheering up.”

“This! Lena, you’re never like this with me. I know I messed up, but I was doing it to make you happy, and I’m sorry it backlashed, but you’re just being cruel now.” 

“I think you should go.” Lena whispered, “I need space Kara, I can’t keep doing this with you.” 

“Doing what!” 

“Expecting you to understand me, clearly you’ve made no attempt at it.” Lena snapped, her voice getting louder.

“I told you, I’m really sorry.” Kara whined. She sounded like she was pleading, but for what, she didn’t know. Lena wasn’t looking at her. Her eyes were glued in front of her. She looked cold, and the empty look in her eyes was enough to make Kara shiver.

“Get out of my apartment.” Lena muttered harshly. Kara frowned, unsure of what to do. She opened her mouth and closed it again.

“Okay.” she whispered eventually, and slowly turned on her heel and left.

She turned around to look at Lena when she reached the door. Lena wouldn’t make eye contact, but even from her distance away from her, she could still see the single tear that slid down the other woman’s face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buckle fucking up dudes, shit is starting to go down.
> 
> add my Tumblr if you fancy it, its lenakeiranluthr. 
> 
> please leave a comment if you liked this or the direction it's going in, or alternatively if you don't like something.   
> my ask box on Tumblr is open so you can all come at me there if you like.

Not having Lena in Kara’s life was the worst kind of emptiness than Kara could ever imagine. After all the people she lost in a lifetime, there hadn’t been anyone who caused her such a dull ache, deep in her chest. There was a physical pain forming, that felt like it would be there permanently. Kara wasn’t sure if that was from her losing her friend or from the risky fights that she was rushing into to distract herself from it. Kara was never one for being violent or confrontation, but in the last two weeks, the number of times she went off looking for trouble on the streets of National City without waiting for back up was worrying. 

When there was no one left to protect in National City, she moved West, East or any God damn direction she found someone to blame for destruction other than herself. 

It had been two weeks since Kara had left Lena in her apartment. It was killing her not speaking to the other woman, or even hearing from her. Lena had gone off the grid, you could say since the article came out. 

Kara checked up in L-Corp on the third day of their silence to tell Jess to make sure Lena was eating. She had a habit of forgetting to eat when she was drowned in work and it was always Kara who had to remind her to take a break. Jess said Lena hadn’t turned up to work in three days. 

There was an awful feeling developing in Kara’s gut and it wouldn’t go away no matter how hard Kara tried to push it down. Lena was never one for missing work, even for one day, let alone three. 

Kara was thinking of all kinds of horrible thoughts about what she could do.

About what advice she could take. 

Who’s.

Kara tried to talk to Jess about her disappearance, but she wasn’t much of a help. Lena had made it clear to Jess that Kara, or anyone for that matter, wasn’t to know anything. 

Although Kara begged her to tell her something, anything, she wouldn’t budge. At some stage, Jess realised that Kara wasn’t going to let up or go away, so she told her that the other woman was ill. Kara didn’t know whether to believe this. Sickness had never stopped Lena coming in to work before, that is if it was mild enough. Even that stirred up more worries in Kara. If she wasn’t that sick, why didn’t she come to work? Was she too mortified to show her face? 

Or what if it was something worse? What if Lena was sick, like really sick? Like, in the hospital sick? What if she had gotten in an accident? Or god, what if she was hurt. Kara had no contact with her, at all. She was really trying to respect Lena’s wishes, so she stopped her almost hourly checking of Lena’s heart rate from across the city. Something might have happened to Lena because Kara wasn’t there for her, physically. All kinds of horrible thoughts like that were created in Kara’s mind.

Somehow Kara managed to deal with her stress, up until she hit the start of week three, and she had had enough. She knew it was an invasion of Lena’s privacy after she had been requested to be left alone, but Kara was almost sick with the worry herself. Lena still hadn’t appeared at work, so while out on Supergirl duty she flew past Lena’s apartment to check on her. And if checking on her involved x-raying through her walls and listening for her heartbeat, then so be it. As long as she knew she was safe. What she saw through the wall tore her heart apart and almost knocked her out of the air with the force of the wave of anguish that hit. 

Lena was lying on her couch with a blanket barely draped over her, although most of it was off her body and on the ground beside her. She looked like she was sleeping. Even while in temporary unconsciousness, there was a look of sorrow on her face. Her heart rate was low, lower than Kara thought was normal, but then again, what would she know?

Kara wanted nothing more than to hold her, tuck her in and tell her everything was going to be okay. But she couldn’t. She messed it all up. 

Once she knew for certain that Lena was okay, she finished up her Supergirl duty and left for home. She called Alex as soon as she was at her front door. 

“Kara, everything okay?” her sister asked. She picked up straight away as usual. Alex never let her phone go to voicemail. She was always scared that if she left her phone down for more than two minutes, she’d miss an emergency and it would be her fault. That’s just how her head worked.

“Can you come over?” Kara replied. Her voice was croaky and shaky, and she hoped that Alex could tell something was wrong before she had to tell her. 

“Yeah, is everything okay?” Alex said. Bingo. Kara breathed out a sigh of relief that she didn’t have to explain anything over the phone.

“No,” Kara whispered. She was on the verge of breaking apart and all she wanted was her sister there to comfort her. And maybe something to take the edge off. But mostly her sister. 

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Alex said, “do you need me to bring ice cream?”

“I think tonight calls for something a little stronger than ice cream.”

“Alien tequila do the trick?” Alex asked. Kara was extremely grateful her sister understood her and knew the right things she needed when she was feeling like that. She didn’t even need to explain it. 

Please,” Kara sighed, “see you soon.” 

Kara hung up the phone and flopped down onto her couch. She slung her arms over her eyes and waited for Alex to get to her. 

 

“You look worse than you sounded on the phone,” Alex said as she entered Kara’s apartment. She shut the door gently so as to not make a noise. The level of understanding between the two sisters was enough to shock even Kara sometimes. The fact that Alex knew when Kara could tolerate loud sounds and stimulants, and when she couldn’t, made her appreciate her more than she already did. 

“Thanks for the compliment,” Kara groaned as she sat up from her position on the couch. She hadn’t moved in the fifteen minutes it took for Alex to get to Kara’s apartment. She was desperate for a glass of water, or really anything to drink, but she didn’t have enough energy to move her head, let along walk across her whole apartment. 

“Don’t mention it,” Alex said while thrusting her the bottle of tequila, “What’s going on?”

“It’s Lena,” Kara said. Hearing her name said out loud and not in her head made the dam break, and she finally let her tears fall down the side of her face. Alex looked at her sympathetically and sat down beside her.

“I told you, Kara, don’t beat yourself up about it,” Alex said softly. She reached up and pushed Kara’s hair away from her eyes and behind her ears. 

“But I should have known what this would do to her.”

“You didn’t even know that this would happen with the article, how were you supposed to know how Lena would react to it?”

“She said it herself. I clearly don’t know her,” Kara said “She’s never going to let me in again. That is if she ever speaks to me.” 

“She will, she can’t stay mad at you forever,” Alex said, reassuring her. 

“But in that time? How long is she going to be angry at me for? I don’t want her bottling up things for so long” 

“She’s a strong woman Kara, you know that. She can take care of herself.” 

Alex was right, Lena was strong. After all the stuff she had gone through her whole life, not to mention her losing one mother, and gaining another. Just like Kara had. But Lena didn’t know that. Lena was tough, both emotionally and physically. To be able to cope with everything as best as she does, while simultaneously surviving assassination attempts on a monthly basis. Kara didn’t know how Lena did it, and all while maintaining perfect eyebrows. Kara was in awe of the other woman and her strength. 

Alex was right. Lena was strong. Kara just wished that she could be strong and let Kara back into her life at the same time. 

“I miss her Alex,” Kara whispered. Her voice was barely audible, just above a whisper. She was surprised Alex heard her at all.

“I know.” 

They settled down for the night with both human and alien tequila. Kara was glad she had Alex to talk to about things like this. If she didn’t have anyone, she thought she might break.  
And so the night went on, as Kara switched between five-minute intervals of crying and knocking back shots, and eventually falling asleep in Alex’s arms. 

 

On the other side of the city, although she didn’t have a sister’s shoulder to cry on, Lena was doing the exact same.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter broke my own heart.  
> remember to leave a comment if you want me to keep writing this!  
> and once again, my Tumblr is lenakeiranluthr

The one thing Lena always prided herself on was her ability to hold herself together when it mattered most. From a young age, she trained herself to have an off switch for times when she didn’t want to attract more attention than she already got. It started in boarding school when her anxiety begun to flare up initially. As school goes, the girls in her year were cruel, to say the least. Although Lena had never done anything to any one of them, they still pushed her down. But being Lena, shy as she was, she wouldn’t let anyone see her fall. She couldn’t bare giving anyone the power over her. It took some practice, but eventually, she was able to tune things out and give the impression that nothing got to her. 

Even when it did.

When Lena was kidnapped, for example, multiple times, it didn’t faze the woman. She didn’t give in to their taunts or their threats and bounced back with equally witty remarks and strong eyebrow raises. She was shaking on the inside, but she had gotten used to tormenting herself with violence it didn’t have an effect on herself anymore.

It was almost as if she welcome death with open arms, it wouldn’t be as scary when it came.

Over the years since she graduated, she perfected the skill of bottling up her emotions. She got so good at it that she wasn’t just pretending for the people who were causing her pain. She blocked her friends out too.

Lena knew that what she was doing wasn’t the healthiest. She knew blocking the whole world from seeing her struggles wasn’t good for her long-term health. Every time she pushed her feelings down to suit the needs of others, she always regretted it after. Each and every time she vowed not to do it again, that she would try harder to open up to the world.

It never happened.

It hadn’t occurred to her that she wasn’t just blocking off her feelings from the world, but she was blocking them off from herself too. Then it all comes back in waves, like a coke bottle that’s been shaken too many times. When you eventually take the lid off and feel something, all the other emotions explode everywhere, covering everyone around you. 

And that’s exactly what happened. 

Lena didn’t see it coming, she usually did. Most of the time she can tell if she’s going to hit a bump in the road before she gets there. With the warning, she can stop it. Focus on work that doesn’t stress her out so much, surround herself with friends to remind herself of the people she can talk too. Even if she doesn’t confide in them, it’s good for her to realize that she has someone to talk to if she ever wanted to.

Kara was the only person she knew she could depend on. Everyone left over the years. She never was one who had a lot of friends, but now she only had two. Kara and Sam. She could count Alex, she always felt like she could rely on her, but after her mishap with Kara, she could almost guarantee that the other woman wouldn’t go near her without following through with her platonic shovel talk. 

Lena was sprawled on her couch in the middle of her messy apartment. She hadn’t moved in six hours. There was a stale smell of alcohol wafting in the air, but Lena was so used to it, it didn’t bother her. There were dirty dished piled up on the sink that Lena wasn’t bothered to wash. She didn’t remember them getting there.

There was a sharp knock on the door.

“Lena? Are you in there?” Sam’s voice called from the other side of the door. Lena sighed deeply and stayed in her position on the couch. 

“Answer the door, please,” Sam called again. Lena could sense the panic in her voice. It had been there every time Sam had called over in the last two weeks. She debated opening the door. She pondered it for a moment while staring at the ceiling. She decided against it.

As much as she didn’t want Sam bursting in being loud, she knew that Sam would be worried if she didn’t answer her at all. “Go away Sam, I just want to be in peace.”

“Lena, I don’t care. I’m not going to sit here and watch you self-destruct” 

“You don’t have to, you can leave,” Lena called. She was getting tired already, but she knew Sam. She knew that she wouldn’t go away without seeing with her own eyes that Lena was alright. As much as it was annoying, she was glad that she had a friend who cared enough and showed it too.

“I’m not going anywhere. Let me in.” 

Lena reluctantly pulled herself off the couch and wobbled towards the door. She pulled it open and stood back to let Sam in. She shut it quickly as soon as Sam was barely in.

“God Lee, you look like a fucking mess,” Sam said. There was a hint of sadness in her voice and Lena got the feeling that Sam was trying to be brave. There as a distant look in Lena’s eye and Sam knew she wasn’t entirely sober. Or at all.

“I’m not in the mood for a lecture,” Lena breathed out heavily. 

“I wasn’t going to give you one. I’m not here to give out,” Sam replied flopping down in the seat that Lena was in thirty seconds previous. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Well I am, clearly, so you can go home.” It came out blunter than she wanted it to, and she winced at the harshness in her own voice. She never enjoyed snapping at people, but she wasn’t always in control of it. It just came out, without her permission. It was one of the biggest things Lena had a problem with. Her lack of restraint. 

Words weren’t the only thing she had trouble with regulating.

Clearly.

“I can’t see that you’re okay, in fact, I see the opposite, you’ve been sleeping on your couch, the apartment is a mess, and there’s a strong smell of alcohol in the air that doesn’t smell like it’s entirely from last night,” Sam said. There was no disappointment in her voice, more anguish than anything. Lena hated that she had this effect on her friends. She tried and tried to push things down so no one would feel as bad as she does. 

“It helps me sleep,” she whispered.

“Its two-thirty in the day Lena.”

“This sure sounds like a lecture.”

“Please, talk to me.” 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Lena whispered. Her voice was getting hard again, “I fucked everything up.”

“How? From what I hear, you didn’t do anything.”

“I pushed Kara way.”

Her sentence was final. Lena had nothing more to say. It was true. Of all the things she’s done wrong in her life, pushing away her best friend was among one of the worst. She knew it was ridiculous. What happened wasn’t Kara’s fault. Lena knew this. But as she’s always done when she was hurting, pushing people away so they wouldn’t have to deal with her emotions was her go-to method of resolving the issue. 

She hated even Sam seeing her this way. The way Sam was looking at her made her feel weak. As if Lena was a lost puppy. She was helpless, reclusive and alone and her downward spiral didn’t feel like it was going to go away anything soon.

Maybe talking to Kara might help, she thought more than one time over the two weeks they hadn’t spoken. She wanted it desperately. She wanted Kara. She felt like a cold hand dug into her chest and wrapped its fingers around her heart and squashed it. The heartache it was giving her not even seeing her face out of her balcony at L-Corp.

“But you had reason to. I mean what happened wasn’t her fault but it’s natural that you want distance from her.” Sam said. There was uncertainty in her voice. Lena could tell she didn’t believe what she was saying and was only say it so it sounded like she was siding with Lena. 

“I don’t. I want her back. I never wanted herself gone in the first place.” Lena admitted solemnly. Sam narrowed her eyes and shrugged.

“So why did you tell her to go?”

“Because, Sam! I don’t deserve her. She is the human embodiment of sunshine and I’m clinically depressed. It's not fair on her to drag her down with me.” Lena snapped. 

“Don’t be so hard Lena, just because you have a mental disorder doesn’t mean you can’t have people love you. Kara knows who you are, she hasn’t left before now. She loves you for who you are.” 

“She doesn’t know. I never told her,” Lena whispered in a small voice.

“Oh,” Sam said. There was silence.

“That woman wrote an article for me, to cheer me up. And I completely tore her down for it. How is that fair?” she croaked.

Sam thought for a minute but didn’t know what to reply.

“I’m messed up Sam, you know that. I know that. Everyone does. Read page 4 of CatCO magazine from two weeks ago," Lena faltered, “I’m a Luthor”

“I am not going to sit here and watch you tear your life apart,” Sam snapped. She turned away from Lena and squeezed her eyes shut. She was about to cry but didn’t want Lena to feel worse about her situation. 

“Sam, look, I have a meeting for work now, I’m going to be fine. Human interaction and fresh air. All you’ve been badgering me for, for two weeks,” Lena said in a rush. Sam turned back around to face her. 

“You haven’t left your apartment. I’ve been bringing you food. That it doesn’t look like you’re eating.” There were packages of food still lying out on the counter that Sam brought over three days ago. The fruit looked spoiled already. A powerful wave of shame worked its way into her body and sat there, gnawing at her bones.

“I’m not trying to be rude, but I do have to get ready for this meeting,” she said, changing the subject, “missing weeks off work does call for a troublesome return.”

“It’s okay Lena, don’t worry about it,” Sam said before standing up. She pulled Lena into a hug as she had been doing every three or four days in the last two weeks. 

“Thanks. I’ll call you tonight when I get home.” Lena promised. Her voiced wavered slightly. She pulled out from the hug and smiled weakly at Sam.

“I just want the best for you. I’m not going anywhere. Please remember that,” Sam whispered into her ear and she turned around and walked out of the apartment. 

Lena locked the door behind her and strolled over to her couch and flopped down on it once again. She hated lying to Sam, but she didn’t see any other choice. And anyway, what Sam wouldn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. 

Lena pulled the nearly empty bottle of scotch out from under the cushion beside her. She screwed the lid off and brought to her lips.

Her glass had been discarded long ago.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your comments and kudos. I'm having so much fun writing this, as much as its breaking my heart. hmu on tumblr at lenakeiranluthr

Two months went by with no word from Lena. Kara was just beginning to give up, but only for her sister, she held on.

  
Alex had put her back together again, numerous times after she had fallen apart over losing Lena. As much as Alex hated that the Luthor had hurt her sister, she didn't want to drag her through the mud for the sake of siding with Kara. Despite not wanting to admit it, Alex knew that Lena was the one person who could, essentially, fix Kara.

  
Night after night Kara had found her pillow wet before she even noticed she was crying. That was, if she slept at all. There were many nights Kara woke up with the memories of Lena ghosting her dreams. Her smile, her soft skin wrapping around Kara's as she pulled her in for a hug. Innocent fragments of their friendship. These dreams didn't bother Kara, she had them before they stopped talking. She was used to them.

  
What she wasn't used to, were the dreams that were slightly less comforting. Vivid images of Lena crying, screaming at her and breaking down behind what was like a pane of glass, but in reality, was paralysis. She could never go near her in the dreams, but she could see she was in pain. It mirrored real life.

 

You see, Kara was beginning to give up hope. Almost.

  
And then her phone rang.

  
It was a Thursday night, around eleven and Kara was settling in for a quiet time after a tough day battling demons, both inside and outside of her body. With a bowl of popcorn in her lap and movie set up on the TV, the physical strain on her body was ready to melt away.

  
The common sound of her phone ringing buzzed loudly through the silence of the apartment. Kara groaned and pulled herself out of her seat, expecting to be called back to the DEO. Preparing to bribe Alex to find a way to leave her out of whatever issue had come up, Kara picked up the phone.

  
The person who was calling her was certainly _not_  Alex.

  
The familiar, but yet at the same time, almost unfamiliar picture of Lena, smiling brightly lit up her phone screen.

  
For a long, long moment, Kara stared at her phone, and time seemed to stop. Realization dawned on her after a few seconds and Kara felt the air being sucked out of every crevice in her lungs. Unsure of what to do, she stared at the contact name on the top of her screen.

  
Lena Luthor.

  
The noise blared through the apartment, cutting the silence like a hot knife. Eventually, Kara snapped back to her senses and panic started to settle in. Only bad thoughts were coming to her mind about why the other woman would be calling her. After so long. After two months without so much as a call or a message sent on to Jess. (Kara had checked up with Lena's secretary multiple times to make sure Lena didn't pass anything on to Kara. Kara had learned Lena had barely turned up for work, only twice or three times in a week, sometimes not at all. )

  
Kara answered the phone and held it up to her ear cautiously.

  
"Hello?" she whispered. Her voice was quiet. There was silence on the other side of the phone line and Kara began to think that Lena had called her by an accident.

 

"Hello?" She repeated. Her voice was slightly steadier this time, but still unnaturally quiet.

 

"Kara."

  
It was just one word, unmistakably Lena's voice. After so long without hearing the woman's voice it was like fresh air pumped into Kara's lungs.

  
"Lena? Is everything alright– " Kara started before stopping dead. She could hear the clear sounds of the other woman crying, sobbing more like, into the phone.

  
"Kara, I– I shouldn't even be calling you, I'm gonna go now, I didn't even expect you to answer. I just– I can't expect you to forgive me, I'm not asking you to. I messed up. I really, really fucked up. You– you are the most best person– best friend I've ever met and, and I, Kara I need to apologize so, so much."

  
She was rambling so much kara might not have understood her if she was anybody else. But she was Lena, and the never had a lapse in communication. Although every time they had spoken previous to this moment, Lena was notably less drunk.

  
Kara had no doubts that Lena was, for lack of a better word, smashed. Her heart went out to her before she had the chance to think about what the hell was going on. What was she supposed to do in a situation like this? Tell her it was going to be okay? That's the good friend answer, but if the last two months had taught Kara anything, it was that she certainly was not a good friend. And it wasn't alright, not really. Kara's heart was broken and the last two months were torturous on her without her friend. Things were not okay. But she couldn't _tell_ Lena that, could she?

  
From the sounds of it, Lena knew. If the slurring of her voice and her cutting over herself to apologize faster was anything to go by, Lena wasn't okay either. She had a feeling that Lena wasn't dealing with things as well as she was. At least she had Supergirl duty to throw herself into; protecting the world always helped her distract herself from her feelings. The task of helping other people made her feel needed, in control. Not the shy Awful Friend that was Kara Danvers. And she had her sister as well to help her.

  
Who did Lena have? What did Lena have? A family with an intention to destroy the city and a bad reputation that was painted on all of them with the one brush stroke.

  
The only person Lena had was Kara, and Kara herself took that away from her. She wasn't surprised Lena turned to alcohol. She had seen it with her sister.

  
"Lena... look, it's late. And I know you're drunk. And I know you probably haven't forgiven me, and you might regret reaching out to me in the morning, and I know if you do you're going to be feeling even worse than you are right now," Kara mumbled, "and as much as I needed to hear your voice, and I want to speak to you– look, go to bed Lena. If you want to talk tomorrow we can talk. If you still want that."

  
Lena whines through the other end of the phone. She attempted her way through a sentence but failed every time.

  
"No– I need you," she said. Her voice was the steadiest it had been the whole way through their mismatched conversation and Kara felt her heart tug.

  
"You don't," Kara said, and her own words were a reassurance. She knew what Lena was doing. The woman was beyond drunk and making terrible decisions and Kara didn't want to hype her up during it. Lena didn't need Kara for the last two months, and she didn't need her now at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday night. Lena made a noise of protest.

  
"Kara, please... Come to me. I need you. I need you," she repeated. Her voice was broken, cracking on almost every word. Kara was beyond conflicted. She knew with her better judgment that going to Lena would open up a whole can of worms she wasn't sure she was capable of sorting through at that moment.

  
But, the sound of Lena unmistakably _begging_  for Kara to come help her through this, wasn't something she could deny. No matter how out of touch they had been. She knew it wasn't fair on herself either. If she got her hopes up that something could come out of this drunken situation and then it went downhill again, she would be losing Lena again.

  
Twice.

  
And Kara wasn't sure if she could get through that.

  
But the kinder side of Kara's heart knew that there was a bigger issue than her pride. She almost forgot that she was still on the phone with Lena until another broken sob came through. Lena was breathing so heavy Kara worried she might be struggling with it.

  
"I... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you, I'm so– so sorry. I don't want you to think I hate you– I never could."

  
"I'll be there in five minutes. Hold on for me," Kara whispered, before hanging up her phone.

  
She threw on her clothes and switched off the TV. She didn't bother putting on her Supersuit because it was dark. No one would see her. And besides, she didn't really want to waste the time of switching back into her normal clothes before she walked into Lena's apartment. 

  
Kara walked down the stairs and flew off without looking around her. On the short flight over to the other side of the city, a million and one thoughts whipped through Kara's brain. She had no idea what she was going to do once she got to Lena. What was she supposed to do? What line does she stand on with something like this? Does she take on the role of friend or just someone who Lena drunk dialed and felt the need to check on her out of obligation?

  
Kara didn't know which she was.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a bucket full of angst for you. hmu on tumblr at lenakeiranluthr and let me know if you like this, or comment :) thanks for all the kudos and comments, it really is a big encouragement.

As quick as she left, Kara arrived outside Lena's apartment. She walked inside and climbed the stairs two steps at a time. Kara stood outside the door to Lena's penthouse for the first time in two months. Hesitantly, she opened the door and peered in through the crack. There was dead silence in the apartment. If Kara didn't know that Lena was inside, somewhere, she might have thought it was abandoned.

  
The sound of a glass smashing rang through, echoing from one side to the other. Kara shivered and stepped inside. She checked the kitchen first, and then the living room. Lena wasn't there. Kara was walking towards the bedroom when she heard the other woman give out a loud whine. She sped up and walked into the other woman's bedroom.

  
She met Lena sitting up beside her bed, with her phone in one hand, and an empty bottle of vodka in the other.

  
There were shards of glass surrounding her on the wooden floor.

  
The feeling that enveloped Kara's heart was one she had never felt before. It was icy. A cold chill swept over her. Kara noticed Lena's balcony door was swinging open. Once whatever paralysis took over Kara body soothed, she sped over to Lena and pried the bottle from her hands. She put her hand up to Lena's cheek and stroked gently.

  
"Lena..." She whispered raggedly. Lena barely looked at her.

  
"Okay. Come on up," Kara said, as she put her hands under Lena's armpits and pulled her up. If she didn't have superhuman strength, she might have found it harder with Lena's drunken resistance, but Kara was capable of lifting a whole building.

  
She pulled her up to her feet and attempted to let go, but the second her hands left Lena's shoulders, the other woman started swaying on the spot like she could fall back again any second. Kara sat her down on the edge of the bed and lifted her legs up to rest properly.

  
Kara stood and stared at the edge of the bed at the sight before her. She didn't know what to say. Hell, she didn't even know what to feel? What on Earth should she do? Lena was unresponsive and Kara wasn't sure if she had passed out, or was just that drunk.

  
Breaking her gaze from Lena, she walked into the kitchen to grab the sweeping brush. She entered Lena's room again and knelt down to clean up the broken glass lying on the floor. She whipped up sharply when she heard Lena grunt. She had a hand pressing against her head but her eyes were still closed.

  
"Do you– I made a–a metaphor," she said. Her voice was gravely, rough almost. Kara might have found it incredibly attractive if it wasn't for the situation. Kara placed the dustpan back on the floor and sat in the edge of Lena's bed.

Are you... Lena..." she started, before she stopped herself. There were a million different thought racing through her head ranging in severity and importance and she didn't know which to choose first. "What do you need?"

  
Kara could have sworn Lena smiled slightly before a tear escaped from Lena's eye. Kara brushed it away with her hand and pushed her hair out of her face.

  
"You," Lena said.

  
"Okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," Kara said to reassure her. Lena let out another few tears silently, before her crying turned into a full blown sob. She tried saying something multiple times before eventually giving up when she realized she wasn't in a position to form a coherent sentence. Kara hummed and stroked her cheek again.

  
"It's okay Lena. I'm gonna be right here. I'm gonna take your clothes off and put you into bed, is that okay?" Kara said.

  
Lena chuckled, her eyes still closed.

  
"Kara Danvers. Ever the saint. Go ahead," she breathed out. Kara helped her sit up slightly and pulled her top off over her head. Of all the ways she imagined undressing Lena for the first time, this certainly wasn't one of them. She unbuttoned Lena's jeans and pulled them down her legs.

 

"You know... If you ever want to take my clothes of when I'm sober, just ask," Lena said. Kara felt shocked, but quickly pushed her feelings down. She didn't want to think about the implications of what Lena was saying. She was hammered, after all. And there were bigger priorities on Kara's mind other than her sex drive.

  
"Lena, I don't even know what to say first. I'm not going to ask you why. We can talk about that in the morning. I'm going to go get you a glass of water, and then I'm going to make sure you're comfortable. And then I'm going to get you a top up."

  
For the first time since Kara walked in, Lena opened her eyes. She opened them _wide_. She looked at her like she only just noticed that she was in the room and for a scary moment Kara thought that she might have. God, was she that drunk? Lena stared at her for a long, piercing moment before shutting her eyes tight again and squeezing.

  
"You deserve more than me," Lena said quietly. Kara's heart broke, but again, what was she supposed to say? Lena was wrong. There was one person Kara wanted, one thing she wanted. It was Lena. It had always been Lena. It was always going to be Lena. She vowed at that moment to never let Lena go a day without her knowing how much Kara treasured her. That is, if their new-found, found-again friendship lasted through the night. Kara wasn't sure.

  
Kara shook her head. There were so many things she wanted to say to Lena, but she knew none of them would have been appropriate when the other woman was barely conscious. So she shook her head again hoping that Lena would get some fragment of the message she was trying to send. Thankfully, Lena seemed to have done.

  
"You don't need to pretend Kara. Not with me. Not about what you think of me," she started, "not about who you are."

  
Kara was shocked beyond belief. Lena better not be saying what Kara thought she was saying... She couldn't be, could she? Surely not. She was drunk and rambling. Nonetheless, Kara didn't want her finishing that sentence.

  
"Wait there," Kara replied, ignoring the other woman's statement. She walked out to the kitchen and grabbed a glass from beside the sink and filled it to the brim with cold water. For the fist time since she had been there that evening, she took a look around the apartment. It was a state, to say the least. There were cups and glasses lying everywhere, unwashed. There was spoiled food still in wrappers on every surface of the kitchen. The floors were stained in multiple patches. And the smell was something else. From the mix of rotten food and alcohol , Kara wasn't sure how Lena lived in here.

 

On second thoughts, Kara filled another glass for herself, and carried both out to the bedroom. She placed her own on the bedside cabinet.

  
"Do you want some water now?" Kara asked. Lena nodded weakly. She sat up slightly and reached her hand out for the glass. Her hands were shaking side to side violently and Kara pushed them back down in the bed gently.

  
"Here," Kara whispered, as she raised the glass to Lena's lips. Lena looked grateful and drank from the glass. There was silence for a few seconds. Kara was perched on the end of the bed. She placed the glass on the cabinet beside her own one. Ignored.

 

"Will you stay?" Lena asked, breaking the silence. Kara nodded before she could stop herself.

  
"Do you have a spare room?"

  
"Stay with me."

  
Silence again.

  
"In your bed?" Kara asked.

  
"Yeah. You don't have to, I just– I need you close."

  
"Okay..."

  
Kara wondered for a moment what the expectations of this were. She was ticking many boxes of things she wanted to do with Lena, but this was all the *wrong* situation. She left her clothes on in the end, and walked over to the other side of the bed and hopped in beside Lena. Lena shifted around to face Kara.

  
"Just don't get sick on me," Kara chucked slightly. Lena cracked a half smile.

  
"Promise."

  
Kara edged in closer to Lena and stared at the ceiling.

  
"Goodnight Lena," she said.

 

"Goodnight," Lena whispered.

  
They lay there in silence for minutes as Kara listened to Lena's heartbeat settle. Lena broke the silence and whispered into the darkness, "Kara?"

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Please just– please don't be here when I wake up the morning."

  
And there was the final nail in the coffin. No words would come to her, so she just nodded, as she shed a single tear.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still going downhill on this angst train, and I'm sorry but it's not stopping just yet! I promise there will be a happy ending just not right away. please leave a comment if you liked this, or even if you didn't. knowing that people enjoy this gives me a lot of motivation, and if not, I want to know how I can improve ! <3

Truth be told, Kara didn't sleep much throughout the night. There were too many thoughts whizzing around her head for her to settle down properly. That, and the fear that Lena was going to roll over and puke on her. She tried, she really did but her mind just wouldn't be quiet. Respecting Lena's wishes, Kara left long before Lena stirred in the morning. At around five the sun started peeking through the blinds of Lena's balcony door and Kara knew it wouldn't be long before Lena started getting up. Well, would have been getting up for work. From the level of drinking the night before, she'd have a massive hangover that no one would be able to ignore.

It pained Kara greatly pulling herself out of the bed, both for the sake of herself and Lena. On one hand, she wanted to be there for Lena, make sure she had what she needed when she woke up. But that wasn't Kara's place anymore, was it? Lena had asked her to leave. No matter how much Kara tried not to take personal offense from it, she still felt... used. It wasn't fair, was it? The softer part of Kara didn't mind, she wanted to prove to Lena that she could count on her. But deep down Kara knew she was hurting herself. So, as much as she wanted to stay, she didn't.

She was still dressed from the night before. All she had to do was pull on her shoes, and out the door she went. She stopped by her apartment to go for a quick shower and clean herself up after the strange night she had. As she was coming out of the shower, her phone rang. Alex.

Kara picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Look, Kara, I know you're gonna be angry but do you mind coming in early today– wait. Why are you up so early? It's six in the morning," Alex asked.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes," Kara replied, avoiding the question.

"Why is Kara sleep-all-day-until-shaken-awake Danvers up so early?"

 Dodging the question again, Kara said, "Is there an emergency?" 

There was an emergency. In Kara's head. It had started banging since she picked up the phone and she wasn't sure if it was her lack of sleep or Alex's voice shouting so close to her ear. She wasn't sure what to say to Alex. There was no doubt she'd disapprove of her midnight adventures to Lena's penthouse. Kara wanted to talk about, ask about it. If there was one person Kara knew who could tell her what Lena needed in a time like this, it was Alex. She had been through it all before. Kara had helped her with it, taken her to AA meetings, held her over the bath while she got sick. It's probably why Kara felt the overwhelming need to protect Lena in this situation. Because she was used to it.

 "No emergency, we're just short today– "

 "I'll be there," Kara interrupted, and put the phone down and continued to get dressed.

——————

True to her word, Kara arrived at the DEO twenty minutes later.

 She rounded the corner and met Alex standing beside Winn staring at the large screens above them.

 "Good morning," Kara sang, trying her best to sound like her usual cheery self. Alex turned around and stared at her. She narrowed her eyes at her and shook her head.

"And where were you all night?" she said, turned away from Kara to look at the screen again. Kara blinked long and hard. She reached up to scratch her nose and adjust her glasses in the same swoop. How could Alex read her so well? Surely she wasn't that obvious, was she? Of course, she was. Kara had never been able to keep things a secret, especially not from Alex, but this was a new record.

 "I don't know what– I was at home!" she said, with more force than she intended. Her cover was definitely blown. Even Winn turned away from his screens to eye Kara up cautiously.

 "Kara. What's going on?" Alex asked again. Kara groaned and flopped down on Winn's spinny chair.

 "Fine, look, don't make a big deal out of it."

 "Of course I won't," Alex reassured. 

 "So I..." Kara began, "I might have slept with Lena."

 "You what?!" Alex yelled. There was clear panic etched on her face. 

 "No! No, no definitely not, I– didn't mean like that."

 "So speak clearly then, God, I could have done without hearing that," Alex sighed. 

Kara tried again. "Last night Lena was drunk. And she called me."

 "Oh fuck."

 "I know. She asked me to go to her, begged me more like. So I did. And I slept in her bed."

 "Is she doing that bad?" Alex asked. 

 "It looks like it."

 "That must have been a tough conversation this morning?"

 "Not really. She asked me to leave before she woke up." Kara whispered. She knew what Alex's reaction was going to be, but she couldn't hold it back. 

 "Are you fucking joking me."

 "I know what you're thinking, but don't be so harsh–"

 "She can't use you like that, you know that? She can't ignore you for two whole months and then call you when she's drunk and needs someone's shoulder to cry on and then toss you aside like trash again when she sobers up," Alex interrupted. 

"She was hurt–"

"It doesn't excuse it."

"Alex, I want to talk to you about this, believe me I know it's not fair, but please just tone down your judgment. I don't need it right now," Kara sighed.

"Okay. Okay, of course, I'm sorry. What happened?" Alex said. She walked over towards Kara and sat on the edge of the table.

"She called me over, and I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. She was in such a bad way Alex, I had never seen anything like it. Even with you. And she wanted me– needed me to stay. So I did. In her bed. And I left at five." Alex buried her head in her hands and blew out a long breath through her teeth.

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know. She won't let me in. What do I do?"

"If I'm honest with you, nothing. She's a grown woman and you've shown her all you can that you're there for her. There's nothing more you can do," Alex sighed.

"But I can't just leave her on her own to drink her life away."

"Thanks," Alex said as she shoved Kara's shoulder gently.

"I don't– sorry, Alex. It's just, you of all people know what it's like."

"I do. And as much as I deeply appreciate what you do for me, it's not your responsibility to mind me. Or Lena. And the quicker you realize that and cut ties with–"

"Alex!"

"Sorry, look you know what I mean."

"I'm scared for her Alex," Kara whispered. "It was the backlash from the article that made her like this. People weren't kind. They said _horrible_ things."

"I hate to break it to you, but this didn't just shock Lena into alcoholism. The same way losing Maggie didn't do it to me. It was always there. It always is. At some point, you just stop caring to try."

"But she's never been like... You."

"Subtle," Alex chuckled, "You mean, that you've seen. There's only so often you see her. Just because you don't see her break, doesn't mean she's not broken. How long was I sneaking around lying before anyone noticed?"

"I guess." Kara swiveled around in Winn's chair so much she started to feel nauseous.

"I wouldn't be too worried Kara, she's a strong woman. That's what you like about her, isn't it?" Alex said and Kara smiled. She was right, but it still didn't quench the fear deep in her stomach.

"Love," she whispered under her breath. Alex heard her, although she didn't intend her to.

"Love?"

"Yeah."

"Well, fuck. Really? Are you sure?" Alex said. She sounded in disbelief, like the concept of Kara being in love was foreign. Or maybe it was because she was in love with _Lena._

"Definitely. The things I feel for her just... She makes everything okay, you know? Like it doesn't matter how the day goes because I can always go home to see her, or call and hear her voice. She makes it all worth it." There was a silence between the two sisters for a moment as they both thought about what Kara was saying.

"I understand. I get why you want to protect Lena. You love her."

"I really do."

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is fairly short chapter. I found it really hard to write this week, but it's better than nothing! I needed to get something out there even if it's just a little bit.
> 
> I want to clarify that there WILL be a happy ending for Lena. She will get help in the end, and she will get better eventually. I wouldn't write such a dark fic without resolving it.

The night after Kara told Alex what was going on with Lena, Sam arrived on her doorstep. She too, was worried about Lena. After hearing Kara talk about Lena, Alex had enough of sitting around hearing about the other two women treading on eggshells around each other. On the Tuesday after Alex found out what was going on, she headed over to Lena's apartment after work. While outside the door she stopped to think about what she wanted to say. There was no need to draw it out. She wasn't Kara, after all. She didn't have that place in Lena's life. But maybe if she understood that there were people, more than two, who cared about Lena's wellbeing she might take a step back and think.

  
Alex knocked on the door three times sharply. A loud swear came from inside the apartment.

  
"Sam?" the voice called. Lena, obviously.

  
"No, it's uh. Alex," she coughed, "Danvers."

  
Alex thought that Lena might not even open the door. She had no reason to. If she was pushing Kara out, who's to say she'd let Alex in? Both literally and figuratively.

  
The door opened and Lena beckoned her inside. As soon as she was in the apartment, the smell of alcohol greeted Alex's nose. Even for her, a woman with strong alcohol problems in the past, it was stronger than she had _ever_ allowed all in her own apartment.

"Why are you here?" Lena asked bluntly.

 

"Nice to see you too," Alex replied smirking. 

 

"Sorry. Didn't mean that. I just... Wasn't expecting you," Lena said as she moved to sit on the arm of her couch.

  
"Well, I don't know who else you were expecting," Alex muttered. Lena was wearing a baggy hoodie and sweatpants and her hair was up in a messy bun. It didn't even look like she had bothered to brush her hair before she styled it.

  
Lena stared at her and raised her eyebrows. Ignoring Alex's question, she turned her back on her and walked over to the sink.

  
"Drink?"

  
"Water please."

  
Lena poured two glasses of water and handed Alex hers, leaving her own untouched.

  
"Can we please cut the small talk. Why are you here?" Lena asked sharply.

  
"Kara is worried about you. Extremely. And from the looks of you... I'm worried too. I mean, when Kara said it was bad, I didn't think she meant _this_ ," Alex said as she gestured to Lena, and then the apartment around her. It was slightly tidier than Kara had made it out to be. At some stage Lena must have pulled herself off the couch long enough to tidy up.

  
"I'll try not to take offense," Lena chuckled.

  
"Don't. I mean no harm. I've been where you are."

  
"And where is that exactly?"

  
"Locking yourself away, drinking until you can't form coherent sentences. Taking advantage of your friends who just want to help you–"

  
"I could do without you bashing me in my own apartment," Lena snarled. It came out ruder than she intended, and she regretted it immediately.

  
"I'm not trying to. We want the best for you, Kara especially. I've never seen her so destroyed over a friend before."

  
Lena scoffed.

  
"Please, reach out to her. Let her know you're alright."

  
"She doesn't care," Lena whispered. Her voice cracked and she looked down at her hands. Her face was soft. She looked on the verge of tears.

  
"How can you say that?" Alex said softly.

"Kara is the strongest woman I know and I have never seen her so torn apart over _anything_. She cares about you Lena, and if you can't see that... I don't know what to say."

  
"Kara cares about Lena. Not Lena Luthor." Lena picked up her glass and drank it all in the one go.

  
"She sees you for more than your name."

  
"Alex, please. This isn't helping me. I know I'm screwing everything up. I just need time." Lena said. Alex had never heard anyone sound so broken in her life.

 

Alex nodded. "I have one more thing to say then. Please don't do that to Kara again."

  
"Do what?"

  
"What you did to her the other night. She was ruined. Please don't do that to her again. She deserves better than that."

  
"I know." Lena said, "I know. She deserves better than me." Lena walked away from the sink and sank down onto her couch. Alex walked over and sat beside her, placing her glass on the coffee table in front of them.

  
"I didn't say that. Kara deserves her friend back. But whoever this is that's taken over you're body... That's not Lena, and you know that."

  
Alex wasn't trying to hurt Lena. She knew what she was going through but someone had to be there for Lena and tell her the bare truth. No one else was going to do the hard stuff for her. Sometimes, that's what’s needed. Kara or Sam didn't know first hand what this felt like, the constant need for reassurance from the neck of a bottle.

There's only so much explaining you can do about the feelings that come with it.  
Alex knew she had to intervene. Both her sister and her girlfriend were torn apart over Lena and she didn't know what else to do. She couldn't bare seeing either Sam or Kara upset.

  
Alex stood up. "Okay. I'm going to go."

  
"Thanks for coming over," Lena said, "I appreciate it."

  
"Don't mention it. Call me if you need anything," Alex said, smiling, "And go for a shower. You smell disgusting," Alex said as she pulled open the door.

  
Lena chuckled hoarsely. "Thanks Danvers," Lena said with a weak smile on her face.

  
"Goodbye Lena," Alex said, as she walked out and closed the door behind her.

  
She hoped that she didn't just make things worse for the other woman. She wasn't trying to be cruel. Lena just needed to be told time and time again that she had people there for her so that whenever she felt like letting people in again she had options.

  
There was nothing more Alex wanted than for Lena to get the help that she did.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMFORT FINALLY.  
> be warned, this is not the end.  
> comments are appreciated as always. tell me what part you enjoyed, or which you hated. or come let me know in my asks on tumblr: lenakeiranluthr

Sharing her burden with Alex _did_ help Kara after all. It took a while, but eventually, Kara decided that Lena could take care of herself. Whenever she wanted to get in touch with Kara, she would reach out. Kara wasn't doing any good for either of them being there pestering Lena during what she was going through.

Lena knew that Kara was there for her. It might take time for her to realize that, but Kara had done all she could to try.

The pain wasn't getting any easier to handle though. Kara missed her friend dreadfully. She missed their time together doing nothing. Just chilling out in Lena's office to distract her from all the work she didn't want to do, bringing her lunch when she forgets to eat. Having a gossip about whatever employee of the week was caught having sex in an office somewhere in the building.

Kara missed her the same amount as when they had stopped talking. It still hurt, just with Alex's help she knew it wasn't her fault. She was eternally grateful for her pod landing in the Danvers garden all those years ago. If it hadn't, she wouldn't have met Alex. Kara couldn't imagine a life without her. There was no one else other than her sister who calmed her down when she got stuck in a spiral of her own thoughts.

Without Alex, Kara would have fallen apart in the last three months. She maintained contact with Eve to make sure Lena was alive, at least. She had been working from home a lot, under the guise of sickness, but Kara knew she wasn't ill. Still, at least Lena was keeping on top of her work. That was a good sign. The days Lena came into L-Corp, Eve said she looked progressively better.

It was two weeks after Kara visited her in her apartment that night. She didn't know if she regretted it or not. Part of her pushed down the pain because she had helped Lena in some sense. That was good enough for her, after all. It was all she wanted to do.

But Kara's emotions were everywhere since. She had to reassure herself at least three times a day that Lena would want her back, that she wasn't disposable, that it would just take time. Nonetheless, the pain continued to spread, and Kara was losing hope yet again.

Kara was at the DEO on Friday and after a tough week of helping people, she was glad to be going home. She was wrapping up in the DEO when her phone rang.

Lena.

Kara hesitated before answering it. She didn't want a repeat of the last time. She stated at the phone in her hand as it rang loudly through the DEO. Alex turned away from talking to Brainy to look at her, puzzled.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, walking over to Kara. There was a look of concern etched onto her face.

"Lena."

That's all she had to say, just one word and Alex knew. She knew, and the look on her face said it all.

"Answer her," Alex said softly. Kara smiled weakly at her sister and looked back down at the caller picture of Lena. She nodded, though she wasn't sure who she was assuring, Alex or herself.

Kara answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Kara, hi," Lena said quietly. Her voice was sounded like static through the phone.

"How're things?" Kara asked.

"Good. Look, can you come over?"

"Lena, I–"

"No, listen. This isn't like last time. I haven't been drinking. I promise," Lena said in a rush. She didn't _sound_ drunk. Kara didn't want to risk it though, but she gave Lena the benefit of the doubt.

"Okay... Why?"

"We should talk," Lena said. Kara took a breath before answering.

"I'll be there soon."

Kara hung up the phone and stared at Alex hopelessly.

"You'll be fine. Go see her."

"But, what if–"

"She sounds okay. If it's too much, don't feel obligated to stay. She's not a puppy, Kara."

"I know, I know."

Kara finished up at the DEO quickly and said goodbye to Alex and Brainy before speeding off across the city.

Kara arrived at Lena's apartment ten minutes after. When she got to the top floor of the block of the apartment, yet again, she was faced with the conflict of whether to knock. She decided to knock in the end. She rapped on the door twice and before she got the chance for a third time, it swung open revealing Lena.

Kara smiled as she walked inside but the worry spreading through her body wouldn't quiet down. She looked around the apartment. It was completely tidy. It was a sharp contrast to the last time she saw it, plates and cups lining the counter, floor filthy and the pungent smell of alcohol in the air. It was clear Lena had gotten better to clean up after herself eventually. Kara walked over to the couch and sat down. Lena stayed standing.

"It's nice to see you," Lena said.

"You too."

Both women were silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. The air was heavy around them and Kara suddenly found it difficult to breathe properly.

"So. How are you doing?" Kara asked eventually.

"Much better," Lena said, as she picked up a glass of water from the coffee table and drank heavily from it.

"Good."

"How are you?" Lena asked, placing her glass back down.

"Yeah. Good," Kara lied. She wasn't good. At all. Not in the slightest. Lena's three-month silence was torturous on Kara. Words couldn't express how much she missed her. How much she wanted to see her get better, but couldn't be close enough to see if she was.

"Look, Kara," Lena sighed, "I know we haven't exactly been on the best terms lately–"

"No kidding," Kara interrupted. It slipped out before she could block it from leaving her lips. It was harsher than she meant it to sound.

"I'm sorry for that, it's my fault, I was blinded by everything that was going on."

"I can see that."

"And I'm sorry."

"It's okay–"

"It's not Kara, you don't have to lie," Lena said, "Alex came to see me."

"What? When?" Kara yelped.

"A couple of days after you came to see me. She wasn't happy," Lena said sadly. The look on her face was enough to tear Kara in half.

Fucking _Alex_. She had done exactly what Kara had told her not to do. Rushing in and having a go at Lena was exactly what she didn't need. Kara was annoyed that Alex hadn't even told her that she went. So much for telling the truth about the situation.

"She shouldn't have done that," Kara huffed.

"No, she should have. I see now that what I did was wrong. Everything she said was true."  
Kara didn't know what to say. She didn't know what Alex had said to her, but Lena didn't look like she wanted to get into it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kara whispered, "about what happened?"

"No," Lena said bluntly.

"At all? I don't think it's healthy if you don't–"

"I will, in time. I just need a while before I can talk."

"That's fine," Kara said. She got up from the couch and stood in front of her.

"Thank you," Lena sighed.

"You promise you're doing better?"

"I promise," Lena said smiling. She put her hand on Kara's upper arm and stroked her skin with her thumb. Tingles sped up Kara's arm from the contact.

"Can I hug you?" Kara asked quietly. She was a sucker for physical contact, that was no lie. She was cautious of being hurt again but the only person who was on her mind for the last three months was Lena, and now she was in front of her, Kara didn't want to waste the chance.

"Of course," Lena whispered, as she moved in and wrapped her arms around Kara tight. "You never have to ask."

"I always will," Kara said. It was true. Kara valued boundaries more than anything, even in a non-sexual way. Kara would never forgive herself if she pushed a friend too far physically. Especially when that friend was Lena, who she had only seen once in three months.

"Your desire for consent will always warm my heart." Lena murmured into Kara's neck. The vibrations tickled her and Kara giggled slightly.

It was Kara who pulled away gently. She had spent so long dreaming of holding Lena again and their hug was too short for Kara's liking. But a part in her mind told her to let go and give Lena space.

"So. Are we okay?" Kara asked gently.

"If you're okay. I know I hurt you–" Lena said, taking a step away from Kara. She blushed a deep red color and Kara reached forward and took her hand in hers.

"You did. But I understand. And I'm over it," Kara said. "I'm just glad you're okay."

It was the truth. She had been to hell and back from missing her friend, but the main thought she had was hoping Lena was doing okay. And now that Kara could see with her own eyes that she was, it eased her mind an awful lot.

Lena nodded hesitantly. She didn't know whether to believe Kara or not, but she had never lied to her before.

"Lunch tomorrow, my treat? I found a really good Chinese takeout place when I was confined to my apartment," Lena said.

"Sure," Kara smiled. She had almost forgotten what it felt like to smile properly for three months. Without any kind of stress attached to it. A pure, happy smile.

"I'll text you the address later."

"Okay then," Kara said. "I'm gonna head back to CatCo, I have an article to submit to James."

"Right. Well, I'll see you tomorrow." Lena said, rather quickly. Kara was surprised at her tone but she didn't press it. She pushed those thoughts away. She only had her friend back and she wasn't going to put herself in a position to lose her again. The last time she read into Lena's words too much she found herself friendless.

"Bye Lena," She said instead. She turned around and headed to the door. She faced Lena and smiled widely before walking out, shutting it softly behind her. She let out a loud sigh and walked down the stairs and out of the apartment. The stress eased off her body with every step she took on her way home.

She was too shaky to fly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! sorry that this took so long to update. school has been hectic with exams and orals and my mental health hasn't been the best on top of that. I hope you enjoy this after the long wait.

The next few days passed in a blur. Numerous phone calls were shared between the two women and they had been out for lunch together a handful of times. Kara finally felt like she had her friend back in her life for the first time in three months. In Kara's opinion, their friendship seemed stronger than it had before. There was a new level of trust between the two. Lena was finally letting Kara in on her life, even though it was in small doses. Kara was glad that Lena had figured out that she had someone to talk to. They hadn't spoken much about what Lena had gone through in the three months previous.

Kara was waiting for Lena to bring it up because she didn't want to push her too hard too soon. That was how it started in the first place. Kara didn't exactly feel comfortable letting it go without being spoken about properly, but when Lena wanted to go into depth about it, she would. Hopefully.

The odd time when Lena mentioned something that had happened during those three months in which she isolated herself, even if it had nothing to do with the incident, her face fell. Almost like thinking off anything during that time frame evoked memories within her.  
-  
Kara was deep into her sleep on a Thursday night when her phone vibrating under her pillow awoke her. Reaching for her phone, she rubbed her eyes. She started at the caller ID on the screen.

Incoming call: Lena Luthor.

A horrid sense of Deja Vu struck, which Kara desperately tried to push down. She answered the call and held it to her ear, still blinking her sleepiness away.

"Kara?" her friend whispered into the phone.

"Lena, it's late," Kara said, sitting up in her bed. She looked at the clock beside her bed. It read 1:12 am. "Is everything alright?"

"Kara," Lena repeated.

"What's wrong?"

"Please, Kara."

What she was asking for, Kara didn't know. A sickly feeling settled deep in Kara's stomach that Lena was drunk-dialing her again.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" Kara asked.

"Come."

A simple request really. One word, one question, one desire, and yet Kara found it difficult to understand. The word lodged somewhere in the back of Kara's head as she tried to focus on what Lena meant by it.

"Kara, please," Lena begged again.

"Okay. I'm coming. Wait for me.

She rubbed her eyes and the memory struck her of the last time she ventured across the city to meet her friend in the middle of the night. It didn't end well for either of them. But that wasn't going to happen again, Lena was doing better. She clearly just needs company. People can have bad days, right? Kara wasn't going to deny Lena that.  
Kara hung up and wrenched herself out of bed. She pulled on the clothes lying on her floor and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water to wake herself up a little bit.  
Not for the first time, Kara flew across the city gazing at the bright lights illuminating the city below her.

When Kara walked into Lena's apartment a short while later, Lena was standing by the sink in her pajamas. Big fluffy pajamas, and with slippers on her feet. Despite the situation, Kara's heart warmed.

"Hey," Kara whispered gently, striding over to Lena. She put her hand on her shoulder lightly, trying not to frighten her but Lena still jumped.

"I couldn't sleep," Lena slurred, her body swaying.

"What do you need?"

Lena turned to face Kara. "Stay with me?"

"Lena–" Kara began. She didn't know the safest option here. She couldn't risk a repeat of last time, she wouldn't. She couldn't put herself through that again. Or Lena. But that side of her personality that focuses on helping people won out and Kara knew she was staying.

"This isn't like last time, I swear. I'm doing better." Lena took a step forward but wobbled violently. Kara rushed to her and held her upright.

"You're still drunk," Kara said as she steadied the other woman.

"But I'm not bad drunk. I wasn't drinking to take the pain away. I just– I needed a break. I couldn't sleep." Lena stared at the floor and softened under Kara's touch.

"That's no better and you know it. You're still drunk."

"My head hurts. Can we please just sleep." Lena's eyes were closed and she was still slightly swaying on the spot despite Kara's hands on her waist.

"Yeah, yeah okay."

Kara grabbed Lena by the hands and dragged her into her bedroom. There was no point in delaying it or trying to put her off. Lena Luthor was a strong woman when she was sober, let alone drunk. Kara wasn't going to deny her the one thing she wanted at that moment. And anyway, the longer Lena was on her feet the more chance she had to trip over air and hit her head.

When they got to the bedroom Lena sat down on the bed. Kara followed and stood in front of her, unsure of what to do. Lena gazed up at her looking like a lost little puppy.

"What do you need?" Kara asked. Lena smiled weakly and looked down at the floor.

"I really appreciate this you know. You. I'm sorry." A tear slid down the side of her face and her voice wobbled.

"Always."

"Get into bed?" Lena whispered quietly. Kara nodded softly in response and pulled open the covers. Lena stood up and crawled into the other side of the bed. Kara followed. She tucked the covers in on the other side of Lena and lay back as gentle as she could.  
Kara lay with her eyes open for a little while before breathing the silence between them.

"What do you need."

"You've already asked me that."

"You're still restless." Kara shifted to face towards Lena.

"Just hold me?" Lena whispered, "If you don't mind"

Kara shifted closer to Lena in the bad and placed her hand on her hip, pushing gently, ushering her to move onto her side. She slid in closer to her and wrapped her arms around Lena's front pulling her body closer to her own. She was essentially spooning her.  
Never in a million years did Kara think she would _ever_ get this close to Lena in a bed. They had shared a bed before, of course they had. They had many sleepovers before, but none of them could ever prepare her for the feeling of Lena's warm body pressed up against her.

Lena breathed out heavily. Kara's strong arms wrapped around her were like home, like safety. Kara reveled in the way that Lena's whole body relaxed under her arm. Lena reached out and gently placed her hand on top of Kara's. Her fingers traced slow patterns over her wrist and halfway up her forearm, before settling back down at her hand again. She stopped for a brief moment before threading her fingers in-between Kara's and pulling her hand in closer to her.

Lena mumbled something incoherent under her breath that Kara couldn't understand.

"Hm?" Kara asked softly, as she squeezed Lena's hand in her own.

"Safe. I like it."

Kara couldn't stop her eyes welling up with tears if she tried. The thought consumed her that even like this, even when Lena was at her most vulnerable, even when she was half unconscious, she felt safe. At home. Peaceful. It was all she had _ever_ wanted to give her. A break from the hard life she was living, the assassination attempts, the family history she didn't deserve.

"Always," she murmured back, as she nuzzled in closer to Lena's neck. "Always, Lena."  
  
Kara woke for the second time that night to a broken sob coming from beside her. She looked over to the women on the other side of the bed, sweating, crying and clawing at her own throat.

"Hey, hey, I've got you." She grabbed Lena's arms and held her hands tightly in her own. Half out of the need to comfort her, and half because she was alarmed at the raised red lines crisscrossing over Lena's neck.

"It's alright, you're safe," Kara breathed, "I've got you, you're in your apartment. Everything is fine, you're safe."

Lena was trying to pull her hands out of Kara's grip, but she wasn't letting up. Her chest heaved as she struggled to breath. Kara pulled her close to her chest and wrapped her arms around her.

"Promise me." Lena gasped. Her whole body shuddered with the weight of her ragged breathing. Kara tightened her arms and rested her head on top of Lena's.

"I promise you. You're safe with me."

It took at least an hour for Lena to go back to sleep. She cried in Kara's arms for most of it, and the rest was spent trying to get her breathing back to normal. Kara didn't know if it was the crying that was disrupting her breathing, or if she was having a panic attack. Eventually she settled down and her cries turned to sobs, and her sobs turned to whimpers, and in the end, there was nothing. Even when Kara knew she was asleep, she didn't remove her arms from around her. She let Lena rest there, lying on top of her with her head resting in the crook of Kara's neck.

Lena's eyebrow was furrowed, and she looked as miserable asleep as she did when she was awake. Kara didn't dare move her and disturb her even more.

She didn't sleep at all that night.  
.  
The next morning Kara felt Lena stir beneath her. She closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. Not long after, Lena sighed and pulled herself out of Kara's embrace. She padded into the kitchen and Kara heard the sound of presses opening and closing. Making sure she wouldn't arouse suspicion, Kara waiting a minute before she got out of bed herself.

She knew what Lena was like, and if she knew that Kara had stayed away all night to make sure she was okay, well, she wouldn't exactly be happy about that. Lena doesn't like anyone fussing over her. Especially not when she's vulnerable. Kara greeted Lena in the kitchen and the smell of strong coffee hit her.

"Smells divine."

"Good morning sleepy head," Lena replied. She pulled two mugs off the rack and filled them both with coffee. She walked across the room and handed Kara hers.

"Milk is in the fridge, you know by now, help yourself," Lena teased, her eyes glistening. She was smiling brightly and if Kara didn't know better she never would have guessed the night she had. A part of her wanted to ignore it, just drink her coffee and watch TV for the morning. Ignore the elephant in the room. Ignore everything. But she couldn't. As much as Lena was pretending things were good again, the bags under her eyes were a telltale sign that it wasn't.

"Can we talk about everything?" Kara asked. She took a sip of her coffee and winced. Lena saw and smiled.

"I told you, milk." Lena pulled the milk out of the fridge and set it down in front of Kara. "Why you try to drink it without, I'll never understand–"

"Lena. Please talk to me." Kara ignored the milk.

"There's nothing to talk about," Lena signed, as she turned her back and walked across the room.

"Last night."

"There's nothing to say. It was just a nightmare."

"It's not just last night, you know it." Kara paused. "I've held off from talking about it, I don't want to upset you but you need to talk to me."

"Kara, don't push it, please," Lena groaned. She walked out of the room into her bedroom. Kara drank the rest of the coffee and slammed the mug down onto the desk. Lena returned with a sour look on her face.

"I just hate seeing you so hurt, and I don't know how to help you."

"Drop it." Lena took a step towards Kara, and the another, staring her down. Challenging her.

"I can't let you do this to yourself, I'm not going to sit by and watch you pour your life down the drain–"

Lena sneered. A cold feeling worked it's way down Kara's body. She knew she shouldn't, she knew it was the alcohol speaking, but Lena's brash tone hurt.

"And what would you care if I did?"

The thought that after everything they had been through Lena still believed that Kara didn't care for her didn't sit right with her. How many times did she have to show her how much she meant to her?

She was getting closer and closer to Kara, so close that she could smell her awfully expensive perfume. Why she needed to wear so much Kara would never understand. It was 10 in the morning, and Lena wasn't even heading to work until 12. And besides, there was so much of it, it was so strong, the smell of it was just filling Kara's nostrils, she was too close–

Perfume wasn't the only thing she could smell.

"Lena, have you been drinking already?" Kara said, halfway between a whisper and a shriek.

"I'm not in the mood for this today."

"Have you been drinking already?" Kara repeated, her voice growing hoarse.

"Yes, Kara! What of it?" Lena exploded. Kara winced at the tone of her voice and recoiled back.

"Wait. You've been with me all morning? I watched you drink your coffee, where did you–" Kara stopped. "Do you have alcohol hidden around your apartment?"

"I'm not going to stand here and listen to you degrade me in my own home," Lena said, as she walked away from her.

"That's not what I'm doing Lena, I care about you, I–" Kara stuttered.

"If you cared about me you'd take yourself out of my life, and you wouldn't come back."

There was silence. A cold, empty, shocking silence.

"You dont mean that."

"I do."

"No, Lena, you don't. It's the drink."

"No, Kara, it's not," she parrots. "It's the fact that you can't stand this side of me, the side you can't control. It's the fact that you hate that you can't make this better by sheer force and good will like you're used to. The way you can't even trust me."

"Trust you with what?" Kara blurts. She hoped Lena wasn't saying what she thought she was saying. There was only one secret Kara was keeping from Lena. Her identity.

"Don't make me say it, give me that much at least," Lena scoffed.

"Lena..."

"Tell me. Tell me yourself, and maybe I'll think you have some sliver of trust in me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." It was a lie. She could salvage something out of this mess, she could just tell Lena. Get it out of the way with.

"Stop messing around. You know right well what I'm talking about," Lena snapped. Her voice was clipped and tight and Kara had never heard anything similar coming from her friend's mouth.

"I– I can't do what you want me to do. Not when your like this."

"So leave. Walk out that door. Don't come back." Her voice was cold, and shiver worked its way through Kara's entire body. There was no emotion in her words at all. It was unlike anything Kara had ever heard before from Lena. It scared her.

"Lena–" she croaked. Her voice was hoarse from the effort of using back her tears.

"Now, Kara. If you really care about me, you'll stay away from me." Lena turned around, grabbed her coffee cup and walked over to the sink. Without looking back at Kara, she poured the rest of the cup down the drain and placed it on the counter.

Kara didn't bother holding back her tears at that stage. They dripped heavily down her face and she stared at Lena on the other side of the kitchen. When she was sure that Lena wasn't going to turn around and face her, Kara picked up her bag from the rack and left, shutting the door behind her.

The click of the door behind her sounded harsh, a warning. The feeling of finality consumed her, swept through her soul and tore the breath from her lungs. Her body broke before she managed to get herself away from the door. Kara sank down onto the ground and rested her head against the cool wood. Her body convulsed as she sobbed, clutching her knees up to her chest. She was a silent crier, she always had been, but even now, she couldn't hold back her whimpers.

Inside the apartment, Lena still stood by the sink, hands almost white from gripping the counter so hard. The sounds of Kara's sobs from outside the apartment were loud amongst the silence of inside. Lena's own tears dripped down into the sink, mixing with the trails of coffee as they swirled down into the drain together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really hope you liked this, if you did, hit me up on my tumblr lenakeiranluthr or leave a comment and tell me about it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, little update here.   
> For personal reasons, I've decided I need to stop writing this fic because it is damaging my own mindset. I thought I would be able to write about this because it is something I have experience with, and thought I could do it justice. I didn't see that it could possibly trigger memories of my own battle with these issues. I know I promised that there would be a happy ending which, there will be because I don't want to put something out there this heavy and not resolve it. That's exactly the kind of think I'm against. I want to inspire hope. But, ithe other bumps and turns in the story will be cut out as I personally can't deal with the angst. Because of this, it may seem rushed, unplanned, and like I was looking for some cheap way out. And for that, I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention. I'll try my best to do a happy ending justice in a few crammed chapter, but I doubt it will make sense. Mental health doesn't magically heal overnight, it takes time. To give this happy ending though, I can't take time.   
> I hope I'm explaining this okay, but if any one has any difficulty understanding what I'm trying to say, please from a comment and I'll do my best to explain.

Thank you <3


End file.
